1 Year Ago

This week was one year that we have been parents, that’s 365 days of parenting 101 - crash course “learn as you go” style! We are preparing for our second year with the boys and cannot help but reflect back on what has been an awesome and inspiring first year.

This year was a year of many firsts for us as a family. Next year a lot of what we do will be for the second time around and my gut feel is that things will get better and better and more and more fun as we go.

The boys have grown so much this year, physically and emotionally – if they keep growing at this alarming rate I may need to reduce their meal portions or find that special dust that you sprinkle on their heads to keep them “small” - it is just TOO scary!

Max has a pair of warm jarmies that used to fit him perfectly but are now skin tight. His arms, legs and tummy pop out of all the gaps. I put them on him every now and then for a laugh and then Rog and I have a fat giggle at our little munchkin running around the house looking like Gammon with all his baby rolls sticking out.

We tell Max that doing squats fixes all booboos so when he has fallen over we kiss it better and then ask for 5 squats - he gets a massive applause when he is done and forgets all about his injury. This has been an excellent distraction tool and keeps Rog and I entertained for hours!

Thomas has got faster, taller and stronger and he eagerly does his pushups, sit-ups and squats whenever we remind him to. We have a future champion sportsman there with a highly competitive nature and this year he has worked hard on learning how to loose gracefully! My big boy is an old soul and is wise beyond his years – he melts our hearts on a regular basis and we are constantly humbled by the love that he has for his little brother.

So to conclude we have had an awesome year, and adventure of note with two of the best little people we will ever know. This week has been a real time of reflection for us. We said goodbye to one of the greatest icons of hope this world will ever know and I cannot help but think that if it wasn’t for Madiba and what he did for our country and our hearts, would we have these precious boys today?

We have never been as happy nor have we ever been as grateful as we are today. Thank you Lord for our beautiful family!

Part Two

Hello Friends - Sorry this took sooo long!

...A couple weeks later we received a call from social services asking us to come in for a meeting.  I don’t like this because it means that they want to discuss something big and therefore need a face to face - so I secured the meeting date and then Rog phoned back and asked what it was about.

It is about the “type of adoption” was the reply. The family want you to consider an open adoption.  The father feels that why should his brother be able to see the child while he cannot and so he wants to meet and discuss this option.

At this point I need take you back a little and tell you a little about The Biological Family  - Have written about them in a separate article so read that here if you like http://findingourlucy.blogspot.com/2013/09/their-story-where-is-all-started.html

We went in for the meeting and along the way we discussed opening our hearts to the possibility of all this and mostly not to panic.  Rog asked the question – “So if we had not bumped into the Uncle we would still be heading down the closed adoption route and why now had this changed?” 

You see for the father, (Max’s Dad) he was ready to give consent to the adoption, at one stage he had indicated that he wanted custody of Max but the courts would not allow the boys to be split up and so he backed off and said that he would only fight for them if it looked like they were going back to their Mum (not on good terms with her and did not trust her to take care of either of them.)

The social worker explained that yes, the father had previously indicated that he would give consent to the adoption so perhaps our chance meeting had stirred things up a little.  He had also now shown great interest in meeting us and seeing Max again and so we semi-reluctantly arranged to meet with him and discuss his position.

He also wanted to see Max so that morning I bathed and fussed with my little boy, dressed him up all smart and we headed off to meet his natural Dad (Last meeting was 2 years ago). Rog and I both held on to him a little tighter while we wanted in the waiting room and finally a man walked in and told the receptionist that he was waiting to see the same lady that we were waiting to see. He looked over at us and we stood up and awkwardly introduced ourselves.  Our social worker walked us all over to a meeting room and then left us to talk amongst ourselves.

For the next 30minutes he gave us his version of what happened with the children and he interacted a little with Max. He introduced himself gently as Uncle Colin to Max and he showed no sings of disappointment as Max treated him like a complete stranger. He was very pleasant and very decent and was mostly just delighted to see Max looking so well. He said that he would sleep well for the first time in a long time and that his heart was happy.  He explained his uncertain future in the country and showed signs of sadness and regret over what the children had been through.

They have not been on good terms and so we were worried about whether he would be able to convince her of this before the next court date which was in 4 days time. We then waited out the 4 days and finally received a call from a delighted social worker on Friday afternoon saying that they had both signed consent to the adoption and that she offered her most excited congratulations!  

And so as with any adoption there is a 60day cooling off period which will allow the parents to change their mind and we will wait until the end of October for that, before we truly celebrate… BUT having said that we have every reason so believe that all will be well, God has brought us this far. We will also have to meet with the parents in order to discuss visitation and contact rights and a binding agreement will be signed which will of course always act in the best interest of the boys. All visits will be supervised by us and we believe that surely some contact with the Natural family is less confusing than no contact. We pray that it may reduce some of the pains or confusion that they will face growing up and that God will turn this in their favor and bless and protect them through it.

And so we are nearly there and soon it will be time to chase the ID docs and deal with the Registrar of adoptions in Pretoria etc so more patience will be required I am sure!

Whew if you read to the bottom – thank you for reading – that was a long one… and now you can see why I did it in two parts! Am so grateful for the interest you take and that you have chosen to share in our story xxxXXXxxx  I hope that one days as adults my boys will read this blog and know that we loved them and fought for them from day one and that many many people care deeply about them.

Their Story - Where is all started

Thomas was born on the 06/10/2008 in Addington Hospital in Durban. His birth weight was 3.78 kg and his birth length was 48cm – he was the first born to his young Mother only 18yrs.

Max was born on the 16/01/2011 in Inanda. His birth weight was 3.56kg and his birth length was 52cm. His birth Mum was 20 and his big brother Thomas was 27 mnths old at the time.

Max and Thomas are biological brothers.

I used to have more information here on their story until I saw a comment on another adoptive parents page which I understand and agree with. These are not my words but I share their hearts attitude towards this and so I have copied and pasted their comments here.

"As difficult as it is to keep this information to ourselves, our kids’ stories are not for us to share. Their history doesn’t belong to us. We aim to tell them the best version of their stories in an age-appropriate way as they grow up and if they choose to share it one day, then that’s up to them. South Africans must pray that our collective heart breaks for the issues that break God’s heart. We need to pray that the cycle of poverty and injustice in our country is broken. The reality is that God is building families through adoption despite a fallen world and it is by the grace of God that we don’t find ourselves in the same position as our children’s birth moms. Adoption means understanding, not judgement."

http://commongood.org.za/2014/09/30/lessons-from-an-adoptive-mom/

Devine Intervention or Curveball?

A couple months ago I was alone with the boys at a local shopping centre when I made the last minute decision to pop into a fast food outlet to get the kids a snack.  I had some grocery shopping to do and have learned that shopping with hungry kids can be like trying to hit the snooze button on your alarm in the morning...its better to just get up.
 
Sometime through the snack session I noticed that the manager was watching us rather intently. This happens a lot as you might has guessed – ALOT. I think that this comes with the territory of cross-cultural adoption, everyone is trying to work you out and I am quiet used to it by now.
 
So we pay our bill and leave the shop and the manager comes out and asks if these are my kids – I explain that we are in an adoption process but yes they are my kids and we say goodbye.  Then later I am walking the isles of the grocery store and I see the same guy at the other end of the isle not really shopping but just walking around a little aimlessly. Eventually he walks up to me again and says Hello again and asks me straight up what are my kid’s names.  I explain that they are Thomas and Max and then also give their birth names Nhlanhla and Anesu.  He then told me that he knew these boys that they used to live very close to him and that he remembers them well. He said a quick goodbye and walked off, I watched him and noticed that he made a phone call as he was walking away.
 
My heart was racing a little by this stage because I was a little uncomfortable with the situation and the level of interest and just unsure of what was happening and how to handle it.  I paid for all my stuff and pushed the boys out and the same guy was standing waiting at the exit and walks up to me again!
 
He comes straight up to me, this time a little more emotional and says “I have just called my brother on the phone and confirmed that this child (points to Max) is his son.” I felt like what can only be described as full blown feeling of panic rising inside my chest while I tried to remain as calm as possible in front of the kids. He went on to describe the history of the children as I had heard it from the social worker and it was all 100% correct. As he spoke I began to feel calmer – he was in awe of the children (who were completely zoned out and unaware of him) and was clearly very happy to see them. He was well spoken and polite and was speaking in a way that was not making the children uncomfortable. He went on to say how happy he was to know that it was really them and then opened up his wallet and took some money out, gave it to me and asked me to buy something for the children and thanked me for what I was doing for them! He asked me to bring them around again sometime to visit and said “May God Bless You!” as he walked off...
 
Will fill you in on how this “chance meeting” has impacted the adoption process very soon and we believe that it was for good - Praise God! -  so Part 2 to this story will be positive not to worry friends – hope to have it ready for you soon! xxx

Busy Bees

End of July already can you believe it!  One of the things that this blog is showing me is how time flies. Every time I write a new post I double-check the date of the last one because I cannot believe where the time has gone.

List of things that have happened since my last post - I started Pilates, went to my first Mothers & Teachers Dinner, took the boys to their first beach music festival, attended a wedding with the boys, bought a horse, bought a motorbike, read a parenting book, watched a parenting DVD series, almost finished converting the garage into a play/wreck room for the boys, kept up with shop admin and wages, did our home and personal filing for the year (Had done no filing this year at all) and a few other bits and pieces in between. Oh Yes - There were 3 weeks of school holidays and a busy 3 weeks those were! 

These days I am trying to fit less into my days. I am trying to simplify and live in the moment.  I am so tired of rushing everywhere.  Less is SOOOO more – I totally get it! 

I have instituted a couple new things in my life like Sunday Solitude Day. We had a lovely family breakfast together and then Rog took the boys and went up to the farm… and …. I had the house to myself for the WHOLE day!  It was such BLISS and I love my Rog and I love my boys but what I treat! I did so many things I had wanted to do for ages. For a compulsive list ticker off person this is like therapy.  I need one of these a month so SSD is here to stay.

I have also started to turn my phone off for short periods of the day so that I can isolate myself from the world around me and be present – it is awesome and quiet addictive, I am building up to Technology Free Fridays where computer and phone goes off for the whole day – THE WHOLE DAY.  Rog recently left his phone at home on a family weekend away and it was amazing – I loved it!

So SSD and TFF here we come – yeeeha!

The biggest things to happen this month are by far my new Horse – Maverick and Tom’s new motorbike – YAM A HA.  I have wanted Maverick for 30 years and Tom had wanted YAM A HA for “His whole life” he tells us. He is 4.  He definitely has his Dad to thank for this one.  Rog took such joy in scouring the countryside for a good little bike for his big boy and Tom is completely and utterly obsessed with it.  My quiet disapproval melted away when I saw his little face – well done Rog!

Max has one foot in both camps for now, he rides his “Motorbike” in his horse-riding helmet and yells “Giddyup” and “hhhhhimmmmhhhimmmm” in the same sentence?  Lucky Maverick is very forgiving else we might have a problem on our hands.

Happy Days!

Love you Rog

Our Holidays!

My husband Rog and his business partner recently returned from a 3-week business trip overseas.  Three weeks is a long time for a 2 year old and 4 year old to be without their Dad.  I was determined that we would make the most of it and that it would be an adventure for us all… and it was!  The boys have only been with us since December so I really did not want them to feel “abandoned” in any way. That sounds so dramatic but it is something that we are very aware of.  We spend a lot of time prepping the boys for anything new in their lives – we never spring anything on them unless it is a fun family activity and we never take away anything suddenly.  We have seen huge rewards in doing things slowly.  We took time to explain what it was all about and where Rog was going etc and they were very interested especially Tom. 

I also planned a little holiday for us to shorten the time here and my Mom and I took the boys up to the Midlands for 6 nights.  We stayed in a little cottage on a beautiful farm and we completely unplugged for a week – it was amazing!  No rushing in the mornings, no nagging to get anything done by a certain time, no being late for anything – it was like a total detox of "busyness" – I loved it and so did the kids!  They boys loved the farm and made good friends with the dogs, donkeys and horses and even tried their hand at fishing.

They made many pretend phone calls to their Dad, Rog gave them an old cell that doesn’t work anymore and they love to play with it.  Whenever they felt like talking to him they put through a very cute call on their phone where they would tell on Mummy or their brother and then fake report back what Dad had said.  They also had quite a few real Skype calls to their Dad and that really helped them to be able to hear his voice over the time.

I made the boys a cross off calendar and only gave it to them when there was 10 days left to cross off – Tom loved it more that I thought he ever would and if he ever left for school before remembering to cross one off he was close to tears! I had to promise to remind him later in the day. Max still randomly throws out “One more sleep” even though Dad has been home a while so I think it may have been lost on him.

They hardly slept the night before Rog came home and it was just so precious to see how excited they where to see him!  Rog missed them terribly and could not believe all the little changes that had happened in 3 weeks. We had a super fun weekend of catch up and it is more than lovely to all be under one roof again!

Inspired

This is how I feel lately – like there is something new in the air.  So many people say to us “those are two very lucky little boys” and I am always grateful, I understand the heart behind that - but the truth is that I feel like these two boys have saved my life.  They have injected a new joy into what had begun to feel like a desert in my heart and YES it is very hard and I am tired most of the time BUT I have never felt better!

My head is filled with ways to teach them and lead them and correct them and share my life with them and my heart is filled with new ways to love them every day. So THIS is how it feels to be a Mother!  Yeeehah!

The other day I uploaded about 8 new video clips onto YouTube and I got back an automated message saying “Congrats, your videos are now on YouTube! Nice job haleydecharmoy! Looks like someone’s been inspired lately” - I had a little giggle to myself because I realized that I have become one of those super gushy Moms who thinks everything her children do is adorable and the world simply MUST see it!

I love photographing and videoing the boys – I always joke with Rog and tell him that they will be presenting Top Billing in no time and he just gives me that “You have lost the plot lady – they are going to be too busy playing for MAN UTD” look. We’ll see about that!

I could never understand how women could go on an on about their children – I would often escape and join the guys around the braai, somehow I fitted in better there. Well I am happy to say NOT ANYMORE sister, I totally get it – if you want someone to bend your ear about the joys and frustrations of adopting come and hang out with me! 

This photo cracks me up - this scenario happened all on its own - they scratched in my hair drawer and discovered these rollers stick rather nicely to Max's long hair (they have seen me use them) and then proceeded to act like a Mommy giving a hiding. CLEARLY they find themselves very funny!

Mother's Day

So this was my first Mother's Day and I loved it!  Mother’s day has had a bittersweet taste for me in the past. Yay cause I could celebrate having such a wonderful Mom and Mum in law but also not Yay because it reminded me that another year had passed and I was still not a Mom.  I felt excluded and all the negative feelings that go with that and to cut a long story short - I was always glad when Mothers day was over.

This Mothers Day however was a GAME CHANGER! I was up super early with Max and so fell into a deep sleep when I managed to get him back down again. I woke up to the noise of both boys trying to carry the tray and Rog doing his best to help them not to spill the coffee all over me.  I got the hugest hugs and kisses and lots of offers over who was going to help me open my present. They gave me a beautiful bottle of perfume, which Rog and Tom chose together. Rog said that Tom was VERY fussy and kept saying no and NEXT until they found the right one!

When I told Tom how much I loved it and that they where so clever because my other one was nearly finished he said very confidently “Don’t worry Mom when this one is finished we will just buy you another one!” BLESS HIM! When I put some on later I made sure that I did it in front of them and they where both practically dancing for joy to see me use it – Soooooooo cute.

We went to LINC church and listened to a beautiful blessing of a message by Mark Slevin.  I asked the boys if they wanted to stay with us in the “Big Church” seeing as it was Mothers day and was told a definite “NO – Children’s church please!” Total win win situation – thank you LORD!

After church we headed up to the farm to spend the day with the folks – my mom joined us later and we loved our time together. The boys love the big garden, lovely food and extra attention they get up there.

My short stint as a Mom has given me a new appreciation of my Mom and all that she poured into my life – Mom you are amazing! It has also given me a deep sense of gratitude to God for allowing me to experience the blessing of mothering these two children - I am happier now than I ever thought possible.

Max came running up to me today proud of something he had done. He stuck his lips out as he came closer and shouted, “Kiss Me!” I have no words to describe how that made me feel. Thank you Lord.

Grandparents and EASTER

Easter was a another huge hit – we planned a sleepover at Gogo and Pappas house and the boys could hardly wait.  The boys have 3 doting grandparents, Gogo and Pappa (Roger’s Folks) and Ouma (my Mom). Not a single day goes by without them mentioning all three at least once and every night Tom prays that they all sleep well – it is so precious to see! 

Ouma lives with us in our Granny Flat and Max regularly screams from downstairs to demand that Ouma comes down.  He even tries to call her when he is getting in trouble and regularly calls her name out in the early hours of the morning.  He insists on showing her his fancy clothes when we go out and every time we drive away from home he says “bye Ouma” even when she is not at the window. Tom often prays for his Ouma to have a good day at the shop that’s she runs for us.

Gogo and Pappa live on a farm and have a beautiful big garden for the boys to run around in. Gogo and Pappa are very Gagga grandparents and love their boys to bits. In return the boys just adore them. Goggo spoils them rotten and they get away with a fair amount of murder when they are at the farm! Pappa has made them their very own chilli sauce and we all have to ask them when we want some. Gogo has everything they could ever need and runs circles around them.  I almost always get a very loud “Aaaaaaaaaaah” when I mention hometime and I have to remind them that they will see them again very soon during the week to pacify them.  I love to see the boys being loved - and so it is an answer to prayer that they are surrounded with so much love!

So back to Easter.  We woke up early in the morning thanks to the Easter bunny who had set the outside alarm off. The boys got their gumboots on fast as anything and we went hunting!  They were delighted with every find and bragged about their basket of treasures for the rest of the day. Max looked like he had had his face painted after eating his white egg and we literally had to hose them down afterwards.

We downloaded an excellent short children’s movie on Easter which Tom loved watching and we had a real opportunity to talk about what Jesus has done for us.  Thank you Lord for loving us enough to give us these special boys!

First Family Holiday

We returned earlier this evening from our first family holiday with the boys and I decided to write this now while it is fresh in my mind… and also because I have a sneaky feeling tonight is going to be a nightmare sleeping night for little Max who kipped just a little too much on our way home. I have had to sssshhh, pat, pat him every 30min since he went down and he is not settling - so may as well stay up and wait another hour before hopping into my cosy bed for a proper sleep.

So first family holiday was awesome – I LOVED it and cannot wait to do it again. Next time I will take 2 days to pack and prepare rather than the one full day it took me this time and next time I will be more prepared for a few little surprises.

So what did I learn? Bear with me (making lists is like some kind of weird therapy for me)

1.     When doing a near 8 hour drive with a 2 yr old and 4yr old leave at 2 in the morning so that they sleep for as least 4 of the hours because otherwise you in for trouble.

2.     Don’t give your children choc milk on a long road trip because when they projectile vomit it - it stains and smells really bad.

3.     Pack 2 extra changes of clothes in easy to reach places.

4.     Have two packs of wet wipes handy at all times – strap it to your forehead if you have to.

5.     Keep a large rubbish packet handy - unless you particularly like the “stray dogs attacked your rubbish bag and then dumped it all in your car” look.

6.     Take air freshener in the car – it gets rather manky in there.

7.     After “Mamma” and “Dadda” teach your children to say “Vomit” so that you at least have some warning before the chaos.

8.     Keep change handy for the pay toilets – its worth it.

9.     Pack throat lozenges because you’ll need it - 8hrs is a lot of story telling, playing eye spy, and singing and not to mention the occasional tongue-lashing in order to keep the peace. It all takes its toll.

10.  Have a cold alcoholic beverage ready near the top of the boot so that you can drink it while unpacking.

It certainly was a challenge but was it worth it? – YES INDEED! Hole in the Wall accommodation was a little on the rustic side as far as my usual choice in holiday destinations but I am learning that everything is what you make of it and it was perfect for us – I really loved my long weekend away and really and truly look forward to going back!  The scenery there is absolutely out of this world - am truly grateful that we can access this so freely.

It was such a treat to spend 3 days with my Mom and Brother – I thank God for the extended family that surrounds these two boys, what a blessing they are.  This entry is dedicated to Uncle Adriaan who is moving to Cape Town tomorrow – we will miss you so much and can’t wait to visit you there.

xxx

Court Update

Where does the time go to these days?!

Update on our Court Day...

We kept Tom out of school and headed out all together just after 8am. We had to report to social services in Verulam where we parked and walked over together to the Verulam Magistrates Court.  I did not realize until a couple days before that this was not in fact the beginning of the foster proceedings but that all this was for - was to vary the “place of safety” so that they are officially placed in our care according to all legal requirements.  We had been allowed to take them in December because of the need for space and the fact that they where comfortable with us - but it has not been official until now.

All we had to do was appear with the children and a recent medical report from the district surgeon and it should have been a very quick procedure.  I took them through to Stanger to get the medical report done and I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t dreading it. I imagined long queues of people and a stressful delay and it was the complete opposite – no queues and no delay AND it cost nothing!

So we arrived at the court with our latest medical, ourselves and our children and they asked us to produce our ID books which…we did not have… SO back home and back to the office we went and collected both ID’s and back to Verulum we chased – and hour and a half later and all rather tense. (I thought they would simply accept the info provided in the screening report from the social worker but no apparently not. Note to self - just take everything you may need to court every time!)

It seems like during the time we were away our social worker had time to review their case with the judge because when we got back took about 5 minutes and we were done and she then asked to have a word with us. She told us that she was going to dispense with consent in April and begin adoption proceedings!

NO one year of fostering which is something that we have struggled to understand from the beginning (based on the fact that they have already been through a long period of abandonment by the parents and been in care for well over a year.) 

Whatever the reasons this is awesome news and a real answer to prayer and we were overjoyed to hear it.

Common April!